My StumbleUpon PageControversial Paddy's Day Irish Investigation of London's Racist Lord Mayor
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Having commissioned an investigation on the Mayor of London Boris Johnson as a result of his insulting anti-Irish remarks and his cancellation of the traditional Saint Patrick's Day dinner in London, the following facts have been unearthed while Boris strongly denies being a child of Thatcher, although a long running paternity investigation called the Savile Inquiry denies having anything to do with a possible cover-up of Jimmy Saville being his real father. The background to the controversy is below.
"Meanwhile in London last night Boris was pacing up and down in open-fly readiness for his wet run for Saint Patrick's Day and spurted the vast contents of his outsize bladder high into the air, describing a golden arc from Aldwych in the South to the Caledonian Road in the North visible for miles around, as screaming Irish victims in Kilburn and Cricklewood tumbled from the upper deck of their buses above their head and floated downstream on the rising tide of Borismania pouring from the waterlogged pants of thousands of startled racist bigoted, Tory spectators, their urinary tracts blissfully relaxed by discharging pint after pint of pent-up pints down their sodden legs and into the swirling open urinal that was formerly called the Thames as they practiced their ancestry lineage for Paddy's Day.
To call the annual, self-financing, St Patrick's Day dinner "lefty crap" is both profoundly ill-informed and also an attack on Irish Londoners and their contribution to this city. Irish Londoners came together to celebrate the part they play in the life of London - and Boris Johnson has slapped them in the face. He is out of touch and ignorant of the facts.
"Boris Johnson’s Irish racism is no more acceptable than any other racism Ireland From the Guardian this morning: Over the years a range of individuals and organisations have worked positively in London to tackle myths, ignorance and prejudice about the Irish community. Yet in this week’s New Statesman, Boris Johnsonattacks a major, mainstream, Irish community event, the annual St Patrick’s Day dinner, as “lefty crap”, falsely claiming it was “£20,000 on a dinner at the Dorchester for Sinn Féin”.
The fact is that the annual St Patrick’s Day event was a self-financing community event attended by a wide range of Irish actors, politicians from many parties, community figures and celebrities, including Bob Geldof, the Irish ambassador, TV and radio presenter Dermot O’Leary and actress Pauline McLynn.
When Boris Johnson cancelled the annual St Patrick’s Day dinner in 2009 there was widespread disbelief about his decision. His remarks this week reveal what lay behind that decision. Many Londoners will be disturbed by the mayor of London’s contemptuous remarks about a community which has given, and continues to give, so much to our capital city."
The investigation however revealed that the former 'Jim Will Fix It' star 'used to stay with Mrs Thatcher' at Chequers along with speculation 'that one or both of them went nutz and that Boris birth on Saint Patrick's Day was hushed up'. Obviously Boris did not choose Thatcher as his Mama but why anyone on Planet Earth even Jimmy Saville chose Mrs Thatcher for a dirty weekend, is what political pundits are discussing about the situation.
While Johnson, 47, has not revealed the secrets of his blonde tresses the Irish investigation has revealed that his hatred of Saint Patrick's Day, the Irish, lefty Crap Sinn Fein and his banned Irish dinners at City Hall, is as result of his genes and his real birthday, which remind him of his Irish connection. Having earned the nickname BoJo its believed he inherited this from his real daddy, who jumped at the opportunity for eggnog under the mistletoe with the UK's former Iron Lady.
Johnson while being a bit of a tit, besides insulting the Irish also headbutts Germans in their bollocks while playing charity football also sets fire to his farts, after an unsuccessful colon operation to make it smell like daisies, failed. He also hates the people of Liverpool because he believes they are all chavs like the ethnics! He tried to snort cocaine but sneezed and played the harmonica with his balls instead.
He was suspected of being the biological father of Prince Harry but DNA test proved it to be Irish DNA, hence another motivation to insult the Irish. Boris's primary achievement as Lord Mayor is that London hasn't blown up yet, which has prompted some before the forthcoming May election to shout Go Boris! to which he has replied “The man's a fool. Wait a minute, isn't that me?” a quote from Boris Johnson on the absolute stupidity of Boris Johnson, along with “Oh Boris, you're such a massive twat.” as in everyone in London has to put up with his shit besides the Irish.
However the Eton Rifles say BoJo, former MP for Cloud Cuckoo Land, mayor of Toytown is a jolly good chap. A tit, but a jolly good chap old Boy!. Being the second most powerful politician in Britain, he will probably be the next Prime Minister, where he can intern all the Irish wearing green on Saint Patrick's Day without trial along with the already interned without trial Marian Price. Upper class twat Boris Johnson has expressed his delight privately with the internment of the Irish.
A spokesperson for Boris said "Boris is Boris, bloody good at tennis, can you smell daisies?" while Boris himself said young Brits, "should get off of their lazy butts, accept any job that is offered to them and stop blood-sucking the London County Council dry!" to which everybody replies "Get on your fucking bike you fat, snobby twat!" This Saint Patrick's Day, London will promptly sink into the sea. No-one is quite sure how this will happen but most people believe the theory that somehow Boris either will loose 'lost' the Thames Barrier or just 'break' London. Otherd believe that the Irish will use the Thames as a urinal with their urinary tracts blissfully relaxed by discharging pint after pint of pent-up pints down the bogs in the London Irish bars as a riposte to Borismania and earlier racist attacks flowing into the swirling open urinal that was formerly called the Thames as they practiced their own ancestry lineage for Paddy's Day. Many Irish people that "London under Boris could do with a good wash".
A former resident of Dale Farm has forecast that when Boris is lying on his death bed with congenital syphilis.....the devil will come for his soul as he is, after all, a Tory. The devil will say "I've come to take you to Hell!" - Boris, will reply terrified..."Crikey!, what are you saying?" .... "TO HELL!", shouts the Devil.....with Boris replying "Oh, what a relief for a terrible moment I thought you said HULL!"They even tried to lure me down there into a trap with chants of: "Would you like to take our sisters out for drinks?" and "Boris, please consider coming to visit Humberside, it's such a lovely place and we'd love to see you, you can all stay round ours"
Boris Johnson has secretly also won the role of "The Doctor" for the the latest incarnation of Doctor Who, after he loses the next election in May but he unfortunately has become pre-occupied by a squirrel having sex with a large swan. It is unclear if he has confirmed the role, but an emergency meeting of the UN to discuss the matter has given him the firm support of the US and several key European players, though France remains opposed, believing that Cameron is far more capable in this role.
Boris also plans to run for Mayor of Liverpool when he loses London in May saying "I....I...I..Believe, that, er..the thieving scumbags of Liverpool could use a man like me to...er....to bring Britain back from this torrent of Labour....and my drug....what's my policy on drugs again?" Despite his speech being well-received Boris still lacks the 10% in a recent opinion poll against dead comic Tommy Cooper.
It is believed that Boris will languish this Paddy's Day in a Bacchanalian orgy with his toga as usual strategically parted to enable kneeling football hobbit Joe Cole to administer his usual enthusiastic and skilful fellatio as a relief and escape from the constitutional peasants of London. The investigation is ongoing, we will keep you updated.
BrianClarkenuj is based in Bangkok, Krung Thep, Thailand, and is a Reporter for Allvoices.
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